Expectations.
I recently received the answer from a publisher I’ve been dreaming of seeing in my inbox. They are very interested in publishing my novel. To put it as plainly as possible: I am feeling exhilirated! And why wouldn’t I, right? Except that didn’t last long.
The fear of not being in a position of selling tons of copies because of the smaller size of this publisher, of maybe not having as many perks put my anxiety into overdrive. So, after a couple of days of calming myself down, I needed to examine the reason why I write, and why I want to be published. And these questions, especially the latter, brought me to post on the Queercrimewriters on the Guppies site. I asked if I was doing the right thing, and I receive various responses, coming from authors who are published traditionally as well as self-published. Their takes helped me better understand myself as a writer, and why I write.
Like many newbie aspiring authors, the dream of a million copies sold, a movie deal, all of it did inhabit my mind if only in its darkest recesses. Yet, those improbable expectations were about to hold me back, hoping for that miracle deal, that one in a million blockbuster opportunity. Anyhow, my writer friends got me to examine what my true expectations were, and this changes everything for me.
My expectations are relatively simple once I sat my ego down. Truth is, I wanted to create a world in which there’s a transgender woman, battling childhood PTSD, transphobia as she tries to find her place in the world. I want, no, I need to lend my voice to push back against discrimination, exclusion , hatred and violence visited upon queer people, and in particular against trans people. To write a story I hope will contribute to the empowerment of transgender women is what gets me up in the mornings. It’s not about the money, the fame, or the Hollywood lights. It is about showing that queer people not only have a place in society, but that they deserve that place as equals to any other.
I also want to see my published book in the hands of readers because I write to entertain readers. I want to share the things I’ve seen, experienced and feel. I write because I feel hope thhrough my stories, and I want to sahre that hope with you. All this to say that I know what my expectations are regarding having my novel published. I want to reach out and share my worldview, to entertain and, if I’m lucky, be part of something that nudges us all to be better humans. I will be honoured to see my thriller published, no matter the size and scope of a publisher. The fact that someone wants to publish my work gives me wings.
Joelle
